Posted by
Norman on Tuesday, March 04, 2008 9:43:37 PM
"What makes this case so unusual," said Fair Trials chief executive Catherine Wolthuizen, "is that Dubai allows importation of up to four bottles of wine or other spirits. Senator Kennedy declared the three bottles of premium Ketel One Vodka he had purchased at the Duty-Free Shop," so we're still not sure why he was arrested.
A senior Dubai customs official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Blogatorium that the Senator had failed to declare a fourth bottle of Schnapps ("which he had hidden in a deep, dark unmentionable place--I really can't discuss it")--a relatively minor, technical violation, since it did not put him over the four-bottle limit.
"What really got him in trouble," the official continued, "was his appearance while he was standing--actually "weaving" would be more accurate--at the customs desk. He was so drunk that we did a breathalyzer on him, and he blew 8%--not .08%, 8%! 100 times the legal limit. To put it another way, his blood was 16 proof--a far greater percentage than wine--so he had in effect smuggled five to six liters of alcoholic fluid in his blood. That put him well over the limit, so we locked him up."
Wolthuizen remains unpersauded. "That is a lousy legal argument, but it looks like it's going to work. So far, no one--US Embassy, State Department, the US Senate--wants this guy out. I spoke to the Senator personally yesterday, but I don't think that they'd got done distilling his blood to sober him up. I couldn't get anything out of him. He kept talking gibberish--it was like listening to an Obama speech, only without the fainting."
Kennedy remains in an undisclosed detox center, while his blood is fractionally distilled back into the original Vodka, Schnapps, Whiskey, and Mouthwash flavors.
Blogatorium was unable to confirm rumors that Mary Jo Kopechne's family bribed a Dubai customs official to single out the Democrat "Lion in Winter" for "special processing."
Blogatorium did, however, locate the last person to see Senator Kennedy--at the airport bar. Said US Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Mars), "Hey, we were both sitting there, knocking back a few. I got up to use the men's room, and when I returned Teddy K. at the bar was gone!"
Thirty-nine years after Chappaquiddick, justice deferred is apparently not justice denied.
****************************************
NOTE: The above is satirical in nature, and is not intended to represent any actual events. Blogatorium intends no implication that the persons named in the above story actually said or did what is claimed. (Of course, unless you're a complete tool, you already knew that but we don't want to get sued--hence the disclaimer. Viva John Edwards!)